Bringing Old Patterns into New Relationships: Why We Do It and How to Break the Cycle
By The Relationship Counselling Centre – Specialists in Couple Counselling and Individual Psychotherapy in Bentleigh East
Starting a new relationship often brings hope, excitement, and the promise of a fresh chapter. Yet many individuals find that despite choosing a different partner, they fall into the same emotional patterns, relational dynamics, or communication pitfalls. Why does this happen—and more importantly, what can be done to change it?
At The Relationship Counselling Centre, we regularly support individuals and couples who are building new connections but find themselves repeating old, familiar patterns—often to their frustration and heartbreak. These patterns may look like shutting down during conflict, over-apologising, mistrusting your partner, feeling overly responsible for their feelings, or defaulting to criticism or defensiveness.
In this article, we’ll explore why we bring these patterns with us into new relationships and how you can start to interrupt these cycles using evidence-based therapeutic approaches—including Emotionally Focused Therapy, Compassion-Focused Therapy, Attachment Theory, Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and Internal Family Systems.
Why Do Old Patterns Show Up in New Relationships?
1. Our Early Attachments Shape How We Relate
According to Attachment Theory (Bowlby, 1988), the emotional bonds we formed with our earliest caregivers influence our expectations and behaviours in adult relationships. If you experienced inconsistent care, criticism, or emotional unavailability, you may have developed an anxious, avoidant, or disorganised attachment style. These attachment strategies served a purpose—they helped you stay emotionally safe as a child. But as an adult, they can make it difficult to trust, set boundaries, or express needs in a healthy way.
Example: A person with an anxious attachment style may feel insecure in a new relationship and seek constant reassurance. Over time, their partner may feel overwhelmed or pull away, triggering even more anxiety—thus reinforcing the cycle.
2. Unprocessed Emotional Wounds Resurface
Many of us carry unhealed emotional wounds—whether from childhood, past relationships, or traumas—that haven’t been fully acknowledged or integrated. These wounds can become "parts" of us that act out in self-protective ways, even when the current partner is safe and loving.
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective (Schwartz, 2001), we all have inner parts—like the angry part, the critic, the avoider, or the people-pleaser—that developed to protect us from past pain. When triggered in a new relationship, these parts can hijack our behaviour, leading us to react from fear rather than from our calm, wise "Self."
3. Old Relationship Scripts Feel Familiar—Even If They’re Dysfunctional
We tend to gravitate toward what feels familiar, even if it's painful. If you grew up witnessing unhealthy relational dynamics—such as emotional withdrawal, volatility, or codependency—you might unconsciously repeat these patterns. As Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), puts it: “We are wired for connection, but we are also wired by our history.”
How to Break the Cycle: Five Therapeutic Tools to Help You Heal and Reconnect
1. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Build a Safe Emotional Bond
EFT is a structured approach to couples therapy that helps partners identify their negative interaction patterns, access vulnerable emotions underneath, and build new cycles of emotional safety and connection. It is based on the understanding that emotional responsiveness is the cornerstone of healthy relationships (Johnson, 2008).
How EFT Helps:
Identifies your reactive patterns (e.g., pursue/withdraw, criticise/defend)
Helps partners access and express their deeper needs for love and connection
Facilitates new ways of relating that feel emotionally safe
Practical Step: When conflict arises, ask yourself, “What am I truly feeling underneath this reaction, and what do I need from my partner right now?”
2. Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT): Soothe the Inner Critic
Developed by Dr. Paul Gilbert (2009), CFT is designed for people who struggle with shame, self-criticism, or difficulty feeling worthy of love. In relationships, these internal patterns can lead us to sabotage closeness, become defensive, or push love away.
How CFT Helps:
Teaches how to soothe the threat system in the brain and activate the soothing system
Encourages self-kindness and self-compassion
Helps develop emotional resilience and empathy in relationships
Practical Step: Practice saying to yourself during conflict, “This is hard, but I am doing the best I can. My partner is likely struggling too.” Compassion de-escalates shame and promotes reconnection.
3. Attachment Repair Through Awareness
Healing attachment wounds starts with recognising your attachment style and how it shows up in moments of stress or closeness.
Secure functioning relationships are built when both partners:
Are emotionally accessible, responsive, and engaged
Learn to regulate together and co-create a safe emotional environment
Repair quickly after conflict rather than letting it build resentment
Practical Step: Journal about your relational triggers and ask yourself, “Is this reaction about this moment—or is it about something older?” Gently naming the old wound helps separate it from the present.
4. The Gottman Method: Managing Conflict Constructively
Drs. John and Julie Gottman (1999) developed a research-based framework to strengthen relationships. One of their key insights is that the way couples manage conflict—not how much they fight—determines the relationship’s success.
How the Gottman Method Helps:
Teaches couples to avoid the "Four Horsemen" of disconnection: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
Encourages building emotional intimacy through rituals of connection and fondness
Offers tools like the “soft start-up” and “repair attempts” during arguments
Practical Step: Replace criticism with a gentle startup. Instead of saying, “You never listen,” try: “I feel unheard when I share something important. Can we try again?”
5. Internal Family Systems (IFS): Befriend the Parts That Protect You
IFS offers a profound way of understanding how your inner world impacts your outer relationship. You might have a part that always needs to control, another part that fears abandonment, and another that numbs out. Rather than judging these parts, IFS invites us to get curious and compassionate toward them.
How IFS Helps:
Creates space between you and your triggered parts
Helps you access your "Self"—the calm, wise, loving centre
Encourages relational healing by fostering inner harmony
Practical Step: When a strong reaction arises, pause and ask, “What part of me is feeling this way, and what does it need?” Learning to lead from Self, not the part, brings clarity and calm.
Final Thoughts: You Can Break Free From the Past
Bringing old patterns into new relationships is not a sign of failure—it’s a natural result of the emotional blueprint you’ve carried until now. The good news is: with the right support and therapeutic tools, these patterns can be healed.
At The Relationship Counselling Centre, we help individuals and couples:
Understand and change reactive patterns
Build secure, emotionally fulfilling relationships
Heal old wounds that keep love at arm’s length
If you're in a new relationship but feel like you're stuck in the same painful loops—you don’t have to stay there. With awareness, support, and compassion, it is entirely possible to create a new experience of love, intimacy, and emotional safety.
Book a Session
We offer specialised relationship counselling and individual psychotherapy in Bentleigh East, with sessions available during the week and weekends. Whether you're seeking to deepen your new relationship, navigate conflict more effectively, or heal from past relational trauma, we're here to support you.
📍 Visit us at www.relationshipcounsellingcentre.com.au
📞 Enquiries & bookings: Contact Us
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. Constable & Robinson.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown.
Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Internal Family Systems Therapy. Guilford Press.
